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SLOTH: the programming language

June 06, 2014

Jack Ganssle-June 06, 2014

Googleplex, Calif., June 6, 2014 — In a cavernous hangar at Moffett Field, Larry Page addressed a screaming pair of developers today at Google's World-Wide Developers' Conference. "We have many new products I want to announce today," he started off, "but first I want to talk about those idiots in Cupertino. It's iPod this, iPhone that. What, didn't them geeks learn any English? So today we're introducing the MyPod and MyPhone. That Gulfstream 5 over there in the corner is MyPlane, and don't you forget it."

Both developers swooned while texting each other and updating their MyGoogle+ pages, their MyGlasses forming a markedly effective barrier to procreation.

Larry Page at the recent WWDC introducing SLOTH.
Larry Page at the recent WWDC introducing SLOTH.

"As you know, our motto is 'Do No Evil,' which we've demonstrated by pursuing world domination, passing the details of your really weird and disgusting search queries to any cop with a flash drive, and relocating our headquarters to the tiny island of Aunu'u to evade taxes while lobbying for millions of H1-B visas to protect our bloated bottom line.

"Today..." The tiny but eager crowd, anticipating a world-changing announcement, stopped breathing. "Today, I'm introducing SLOTH, the world's slowest computer language."

Two puzzled murmurs echoed in the hangar.

"We've discovered that our minions, uh, users, aren't really doing much. MyChrome spends 99.999999% of the time executing a little event handler in cache just waiting for our vassals to hit a button on the keyboard. It's the same if they're using MyDocs, MyMail, or pretty much any other MyApplication. The CPU is just tapping its toes, executing 3 billion or 4 billion instructions per second to deal with some barely sentient serf hunting and pecking like he had never seen a keyboard before. Besides, pretty much all of our subjects are mostly updating their Facebook page while pretending to work. How much computer power is needed for that?"

To read more about Jack's day at Google and this seriously low optimization threshold language, go to the complete story on EETimes.

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